Paging Emmanuel Goldstein

What do you do if your brother leaves the country to travel but never comes back? Oh sure, he says he got a great job in Thailand and everything but you know that’s a filthy lie…your brother never got up before noon in his life, except for that one time with the false fire alarm when he spilled his bong on your favorite rug. But he went right back to bed and didn’t clean it up until after noon, so the point still stands (and the stench still likely lingers).

Anyway, if you’re an attractive brunette woman, you probably know exactly what you should do in order to get your brother back…post a blog! Hey, it’s a lot easier than flying all the way to Bangkok just to bang some heads together to get answers.

Meet Slayher, whose brother 2600 is missing in plain sight. Okay, maybe not exactly missing but not coming back anytime soon and leaving weird messages for his beloved sis.

Slayher informs us via video that her bro is a member of a competitive gaming team we’ve never heard of before and if you check out his profile, it seems likely that some of his fellow clanmates also have accounts on GGL. And hey, most of them seem to have taken big jobs in Thailand as well! And hey, there are subtly italicized letters in some of their profile descriptions! And hey, that’s about the level of our expertise at sleuthery, hooray! Now, what’s our reward??

Oh, well done! Spoilers after the jump.

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Error 11: Arms Too Short

In keeping with recent tradition, yet another package has arrived at Unfiction HQ with contradictory information on its outer shell. This one, mailed from Henderson, North Carolina, purports to hail from the following address in Ohio:

164 Easton Town Center
Columbus, OH 43219

Also, it was mailed via the US Postal Service but in a FedEx box. Misappropriation of materials! We smell a lawsuit.

This one goes to eleven.

Inside the package was the above toy-sized billiard ball (about half regulation size or so) and a 5″ x 8″ index card with an inked design on one side and a link on the other, leading us to a site for the Shadow Box Inn.

Apparently, this site is not news to the denizens of the Unforum as they’ve already got a sizable thread going about it. The countdown on the front page of the site appears to end on August 8 (ZOMG 08/08/08!).

The uF Irregulars also found a page on the site with some sort of guidelines for participation. And hey, it even links to us! Pre-Despoilt!

Check out scans of the card after the jump, for all the good it will do ya.

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Dos Eklipses, More Bad Punses

Hooray, more priority mail even though Elan Lee tried to put the kibosh on the whole sort of exercise at this year’s ARGFest-o-Con! We survived the inquisition and all we got was this lousy hat!

Actually, the hat is kind of a cool touch. We’ve been admiring your hat for years, after all. Check out our package (we know you can’t help it):

Interestingly, the return address is listed as Seattle, Washington, while the postage label reads College Station, TX, again, which is how our incredible deductive powers told us this was related to the whole Eklipse Global thing from before. The Unfiction denizens have already grabbed onto this one and are currently chewing it to shreds like a pack of rabid hamsters.

The photos have words and or ideograms inscribed on the back (and yes, we’re quite aware how high-falutin’ it is to describe writing in black Sharpie as “inscribed”). The monkey looks like we felt after last weekend.

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Mystery Message is Mysterious

Short but sweet, this also arrived yesterday via our tipline:

---- wrote:
I have a little surprise waiting for you.

Eight days doesn’t seem too long, now, does it?

(P.S. Watch your cocktail intake!)

Since we weren’t the only ones to get one of these, we thought we’d post it. Oh who are we kidding, we would have posted it anyway since it makes for a good excuse to remind you there is only about a week left to register for ARGFest-o-Con 2008! Which is what we assume “----” was referring to with his 8 days (from yesterday, natch) and the reference to the Cocktail Party (on Friday the 18th). Hooray for surprises!

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Los Eklipses Sink Shipses

Here’s one we hadn’t seen before: apparently the “Crew of Unfiction Inc.” has been denied the winning spot in some enigmatic corporation’s bidding process for a marketing campaign. We’re used to being rejected but usually we have to actually do something first, like show up.

The notification letter arrived yesterday via priority mail, addressed to “Unfiction Inc. Members,” with the return address listed only as “304 W Bell Ave, Mentone, TX, 79754.” Go ahead, Google it like we did; it appears to be in the middle of nowhere.

Dear Crew of Unfiction Inc.

Competition is beneficial to both buyers and sellers. During a bidding process, customer demands test vendor operations. The customer then chooses the one company best suited to be its partner for the next project.

It was evident that several members of Unfiction expended much time and effort in completing Eklipse Global’s bid for a marketing campaign. I know well how costly and time-intensive a bid of this nature is to complete accurately and thoroughly. Please be advised, however that the decision committee did not select Unfiction Inc. as the winner.

Because of the nature of our business we have refused as alternate reality games, as well as any form of viral marketing would bring unwanted attention.

Our poor search skills were unable to turn up any previous discussion on the forums, so ‘fess up out there if you’re the ones going around submitting bids on our behalf. We totally want a cut of any action you can scare up.

Check out a scan of the letter after the jump. It’s signed by a guy with only one name, just like Madonna!

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Abracadabra Aladygma

Sometimes people send us tips that turn out to be more like work.

Me and many other humans are trying to solve the mystery of aladygma and help Thomas Dahlem find an ancient map. There is a guy who has the map and has split it into 16 pieces. He will send you one of these pieces to post on your site if you email him at:
stjepanboravik@gmail.com

Please contact him and tell him you will post the piece of the map. This will bring you a ton of traffic. This has to be done very soon because he is destroying the map in 10 days. Check out www.aladygma.com and follow the white spaces (press ctrl+a). You catch up on aladygma at www.aladygmaclues.com

Thanks,
DPS

Okay, sure, we’ve kind of heard of Aladygma. What the hell, let’s shoot off an email. It’s better than a foot!

Greetings!

I run the websites Unfiction and Despoiler and have been asked by one
of our users to contact you. I am to tell you that I will “post a
piece of the map,” whatever that means.

Cheers,
SpaceBass

P.S. I like your hat. Can I have it?

Within mere days, success! Isn’t my new hat so pretty and fine?

Oh yeah, the map piece…check it out after the jump.

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Prototype Jack

Mr. McFeely must have stopped by yesterday because we’ve received a speedy delivery! Apparently we’ve been selected by the Office of Recruitment at Prototype161 as a potential “entry-level investigator.” It’s sort of like an apprentice spelunker, except messier.

Mr. Bass,

You have been selected as a prospective agent of prototype161. Congratulations.

We will conduct further evaluations of entry-level investigators on the evening of Saturday, July 12th 2008 in New York City. You will be assigned an active case as part of your evaluation. Promising candidates are expected to solve the assignment before the evening ends.

Hooray, an invitation! Too bad we already blew our July travel budget on ARGFest-o-Con! Especially too bad, in light of this passage after the bit about how we need to bring a team of up to eight people with us:

If you are unable to locate a sufficient number of friends, some will be provided for you.

This tells us one of two potential facts: 1) Prototype161 is some kind of nerd dating service or 2) The job of the Prototype161 “special investigators” does not require an ability to locate actual people. Either way, we’re sorry we can’t make it because we do indeed suck at finding people. But we’re not that sorry.

Full letter scan after the jump.

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Wish You Were a Beer

It’s always nice to be missed. And apparently someone in New York City wishes we were there judging by the cryptic postcard we received yesterday, which read in its entirety:

Wish you were here!

Awww, how sweet! Thank you mysterious postcarder! But now what the hell are we supposed to do?

Postcard (click for larger size)

Ohh, maybe we’re supposed to find out where that blue pole is! Even though the image appears to have been somewhat smudged in transit (printed on an inkjet?), and most of it is blurry, we’re pretty sure that’s a shot of (or near) Times Square. We tried to poke around on Google Street View to find the exact location but to no avail.

Does anyone feel like stumbling around Manhattan until they bump into that pole? You’ll know it when you see it. It’s got an arrow drawn on it in magic marker! Pay no attention to the incorrect perspective; we swear there is no way that was drawn on the postcard instead.

Scan of the useless backside after the jump. Note that the tape over the first “W” is ours, due to the dilapidated condition of the missive.

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Beware the Zombie Polar Bear

Okay, so maybe not everyone pays attention when we say we’re going on vacation. Thus, we received another package while we were away, or technically the front office did and then hung onto it until yesterday by being closed for the holiday. You’d think that might teach us a little lesson but then we’re kind of slow.

Anyway, the package was sent from Pleasanton, California, and contained a book, an unopened DVD, and a letter, all framing a certain theme.

In a way, the letter sort of starts off like a draft notice. Note that if zombies have indeed outbroken in our area, our first instinct is to blame Voodoo Doughnut.

We regret to inform you that we have received reports of a zombie outbreak in your area. Our records indicate you are a CLASS IV CIVILIAN. This designation suggests that you exhibit one or many of the following traits: resourcefulness, moderate intelligence, extra sensory perception, and/or abnormally high immunity to illness. You may also have: more than 3 registered firearms, experience operating heavy machinery, experience killing zombies, and/or access to a large and captive audience. If you feel you have received this message in error your designation is more than likely CLASS V ACCEPTABLE LOSS and you may ignore this letter.

It goes on to explain the Zombie Survival Guide and Planet Terror as mere works of fiction that could provide us with “valuable insight into zombie behavior.” But we’ve already seen ourselves in the mirror up in the morning at 3:00 a.m. without having had any coffee, thank you very much, and have had all the insight into zombie behavior that we could require or reasonably tolerate.

We checked out the Lost Zombies website, which reminds us quite a bit of World Without Oil, except in this case it would probably be more like World With Undead (WWU) or possibly Better Run, An Incredible, Indeterminate, Imminent Nemesis Strikes (BRAIIINS)! The site invites users to upload documentation of their zombie encounters for possible inclusion in a community-generated documentary movie about, we dunno, kittens or some crap. How come you never see zombie kittens in movies anyway? You know they’re out there, desperately searching for your shoes to pee in before they sink their little needle teeth into your skull to get at your tasty grey matter. Kittens, we shake our ineffective fists at you!

Pic of the full letter after the jump.

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This Hockey Stick, He is a Duplicate

Holy crap, sometimes being a whiny bastard pays off! Just under the wire before our little sojourn across the pond (hooray, vacation!), and in response to our previous plea for frivolous finery, we received a package in the mail. When we get free gifts, we go like this: :O

Anyway, there was also a bunch of other crap like a button and stickers and things to do with “the cause,” which is to protect all them fairies and junk. Like on our free T-Shirt! Did we mention that part? Thanks, Svelte Harlots!

There was also a letter dated May 13 thanking us for our (spiritual, we suppose) support and presenting us with an authentic historical reproduction of some squiggly lines. Enigmatic!

Swag pics after the jump, discussion at Unfiction.

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